My father, the late John Etyang was not a perfect man, he had his flaws and made mistakes, that left many with scars and others with wounds that they are still struggling to heal. Despite all, a lot of good came from him too. You can watch my full story on my YouTube channel here.

As I write this, it’s 25 years since the passing of my dad. He passed on in 2000 just 2 months before my 8^th birthday. The few years I shared with him as a child were the best part of my life. The love he gave me now feels like a memory, yet so real because my heart has never forgotten him. It feels like every year that passes, I love him more and more even when sometimes I forget how he truly looked like until I refer to one of his old photos tucked somewhere in my mother’s now old and worn-out photo album.
I remember how he would bathe my siblings and I, something that was rare back in the 90s in the African culture. He always carried me on his lap, and whenever he returned from work, I remember he brought us Ribena, which was a famous drink in the early ’90s.

During our mealtimes back in the day, it was a must for him to add me a piece of meat or whichever food we would be having that day. He was such a great sharer from the simplest things like at mealtime, he wouldn’t be ashamed or embarrassed to add a visitor a piece of meat from his plate or offer a huge bull as a gift or just help anyone in need.

He was a typical traditional African man who loved ajono (local millet brew) and homemade food and he always ate from home with his family. I remember back in the late 90s when these grinding mills were just gaining popularity, he always insisted that the millet bread he would eat, the flour had to be ground on a grinding stone. I wonder what he would do in the present day now when all these grinding stones are no more, I wonder.

In the year 2000, I was just 8 years old. It was a hard and confusing time for me as a child. I missed my dad and could not share the love I felt for him and could not receive the love he always gave me. The hardest part was that the last time I saw him when he was fully conscious was not the best sight. He was furious and I never saw the loving side of him.

My grief journey has been a complicated one, owing to the different circumstances that compounded into intense sorrow and pain. It started when I was just a child, 8 years old and it slowly but steadily trickled into my teens, youth, and adulthood. It has been a hard and painful journey that no words are enough to describe. The fact that my parents separated when I was young was something I was still struggling with and then my dad died and the events that followed his death were so gruesome. Even though I was struggling with the fact that my parents had separated I was still hopeful that they would unite, and I had the chance of seeing my dad whenever we could.

In the 90s I could say they were somewhat dark ages, during my father’s funeral I remember everything that happened like it happened yesterday, there was this strong rejection and hatred energy around. On those few days to and after my father’s burial, we felt like intruders in our own home, like tourists and everyone who looked at us just looked away and others just murmured or referred to us with facial gestures. It was a typical African funeral where when the man of the home dies, there are quarrels and heated arguments where people don’t care that children are in their midst. These experiences can be painful to an adult, but as a child, this was an intense traumatizing experience.

My mum, siblings and I never had a safe place to grieve and heal but with every passing day, week, month, and year that followed, the grief became more and more intense. The people we thought we could rely on mocked and laughed at us.

I became so angry with my dad, and I blamed him for every bad thing that happened to me, my siblings, and my mother. I wondered how such an intelligent man would fail to put things in order before his passing. I wondered why he never reconciled with his family.

The grief and pain I was experiencing made me forget everything beautiful we shared with my dad. I never lived life as I should have but got stuck in the past with a blend of love, betrayal, and the bitterness you are afraid to let go of. All these mixed undefined emotions made me see men through a different lens, it made me question family life and created an identity I didn’t recognize. We had so many people around us who would then lift us, and comfort us but the world felt so lonely, and rejection became our new normal. I am grateful to my mother. She never gave up on us and she pushed on despite it all.

I perfected a personality that hid my pain and sorrow behind a cheerful and radiant infectious smile and didn’t give room or reason for people to stay in my life, most times I burnt the bridges of friendship or relationships even before they formed. I was just trying to protect myself with the most controversial feelings and actions.

I made some bad choices in life searching for what I didn’t know but subconsciously; I realized during my journey of life evaluation based on the behaviour patterns I had and choice patterns. I was looking for a safe place to call home, someone who would replace my dad and give me all the love I missed. I looked for friends and loved them so much hoping they would love me the same and become that part of my family that was missing. I have lived most of my life so broken, and lost, questioning so many beautiful things and pushing them away because to me they would not last and it felt like it was just tricking my love, tricking me like my dad’s death did to me which left me empty and lost.

The grief I experienced also made me tolerant of so many bad things and ignore bad behaviour from other people just because I didn’t want to let them go, it made me afraid of being alone. I would rather have someone who is treating me badly than stay alone. I grew up without an identity or where to belong, I kept searching and searching and compromising just to fit in, to get a place to belong.

Finding Healing

It was after about 15 years since my father’s passing that I came to realize I was just tired of life, I didn’t know what it was but whatever I had felt empty, meaning less and I didn’t want it anymore.

Grief can throw you into paths, places, and life-threatening situations beyond imagination. Grief sometimes shuts down your normal reasoning capacity & senses hindering you from detecting & avoiding life-threatening situations. There were moments in my life when I made poor judgments or decisions like trusting the wrong people and ending up in the company of manipulatives. People will not understand you are struggling or need help, they will abuse your naivete or use your troubles to their advantage to sabotage or destroy you. You can watch My whole Overcoming grief Playlist on YouTube Here

I was always anxious, restless, sad and every time I tried to pray, I just ended up in tears and deep sadness, why God had left me in the wilderness. It reached a point that I had stopped praying but God’s mercy is beyond human imagination, He never left me, even when it seemed I had distanced myself from Him.  Grief brings a lot of loneliness and an abyss of unexplainable dark emotions that somehow you must desire something different and better to finally break free.

However much I desired something more for my life to move on, I was afraid of letting go and unsure of what would become of me, will I be okay without the people I considered friends, yet they were destroying me? Or how would life be if I stopped fighting for the people, I so badly wanted to be a part of my life even when it didn’t mean anything to them.

I struggled with so many personal and internal battles until I found my ground that I want more for my life and if there’s something I have tried to change and failed, did all humanly possible and couldn’t break through, and still leaves me more broken! I chose peace and freedom, not enslavement in the pretext of searching for what doesn’t make me a better person or living in denial of what I already know the answer to.

 I painfully accepted that my dad was never coming back and the damage that was left only required him to right and since no one else was going to step up, I had to pick up my broken pieces, mend them, and move on.

Things that helped me Cope with Grief

Informal support system

An informal grief support system is everything else done by friends, well-wishers, and relatives to help or support someone whose loved one has died to walk through grief and find healing. You can watch the full video on my YouTube Channel Here. I am grateful for my Mother and Maternal grandparents (The late Sophia Nyamwenge & The late Othieno Rapheal) . They never directly talked to me about grief but they gave me a safe space to grow, they gave me purpose through the hands on skills they imparted in me. They always encouraged me and praised me for the work I did and above all they gave me a stable relationship that allowed me to thrive no matter the circumstances, that I never had to think about being an orphan or the pains that came with it. However when my grandparents passed on , I fell back to grief that I had to deal with their passing on and the death of my father that complicated my grief journey. Along the path of life there came kind people in the form of priests of the catholic church, some relatives, teachers at different levels of my studies, my husband, friends among others who supported me with their physical presence, financially, morally , and in many ways to heal.

Writing/Journaling

Writing was one of the first things that came to me at the age of 8. Writing was something I accidently bumped on. You can watch the full video on my YouTube Channel Here . One day I came across my mothers diary and I read how she had written out her plans and experiences among others and that triggered in me the desire to start writing just like my mother. I requested her to buy me a book and pen. Which she did and that marked the start of my writing journey. All the things I wanted to tell my dad I wrote them down and it felt like he was listening. Whenever I felt overwhelmed or sad I just sat down and wrote , with tears flowing down my cheeks on some days and after I felt better. I later discovered that when I stopped writing I fell back to grief so writing became a part of me since I wasn’t in a safe place to share whatever I was going through. But also the few times I got courage to speak I spoke to the wrong people, some didn’t care , others were so shocked and didn’t know how to react which was lonely but frustrating for me . So writing filled the purpose of sharing out whatever I was going through.

Going on a self discovery Journey to find who I am

My entire life revolved around my father, his death and all the experiences that came after, which shaped my identity and personality. I lived life in the shadow of my father, I struggled to fit in , to be recognized as his daughter, and all I did was to work hard to prove all those who hurt me as a result of my fathers death that I could do better without them. All these were mentally , emotionally and physically draining that led me to different episodes of depression and health complications.

By the grace of God I desired something better , a life that didn’t involve my dad or the aftermath of his passing taking center stage in my life. I had insomnia, I was restless , I had fragile moods, anxiety and deteriorating health. I just wanted to be able to sleep through the night, be peaceful, feel normal that my moods or well being will not be affected by someone. So I had honest conversations with my self , looked at how life was , set personal boundaries and principles for my life. You can watch the full video on my YouTube channel : How grief affected my personality, identity and wellbeing . and The three things that eased my grief journey

Taking a spiritual reawakening Journey

Taking a spiritual reawakening journey greatly helped me in the grief journey. You can watch the Episodes on my YouTube Channel; Seeking God for Healing, Help of angels ,Silencing the loud voices in my head. It was not an easy journey for me. I am born and raised catholic but I didn’t understand what it meant to be Christian but most importantly from the place of despair, pain, sorrow, uncertainty , betrayal I questioned God ,why He left me to go through all I was going through. And every time someone told me Jesus loves you I wanted to jump and beat them to the pulp because it didn’t make sense , I did not feel or see the love I was being told by those around me. If you are in this position or state , I totally relate with you. Every time I tried to pray it was to painful that I ended up in tears that at one point I abandoned prayer, or even going to church. But by the grace of God, God found me, and helped me heal and get to know Him for myself, to understand God in my own situation, that when I say God is my shield , help , my defense, strength, healer, provider , among others I understand now.

I took my spiritual journey very seriously when I felt I was going crazy, I had voices that I could hear as clear as someone speaking with me, but there was no one, the voices would shout and make me feel bad , ashamed, guilty among others. And after seeking help from many Priests who could heal and I didn’t get healing, one lady one day spoke next to me during a prayer retreat I had gone to. There were so many people who had lined up to see a priest who had the gift of healing and it was just a few minutes for the healing mass to begin and he told the Christians to kneel so he could bless them since he wasn’t able to see all of them. This lady who stood next to me said

” I used to be like those Christians, but what that priest has, we all have! At baptism and confirmation we all received those gifts. one day I was in a hard place that I had to pray for myself. “

what she said struck me and I indeed started to seek to Know God for my situation and the voices disappeared though it was a tough journey , I am glad that I took it . I got healing for all the mental, emotional and health struggles I had. The spiritual journey also helped me find my true identity, personality and it helped me make peace in my heart with all those who hurt me and seek for forgiveness from those I hurt along the way. You can watch the Episodes on my YouTube Channel; Seeking God for Healing, Help of angels ,Silencing the loud voices in my head.

Quitting self pity

Grief makes you feel helpless especially when your loved one was your source of joy, provision, and strength, among others. Imagining life without them is depressing and seemingly impossible. You wonder where to start, and at your first attempt or a couple of attempts, things don’t go so well that you lose hope and self-pity takes over. You can watch the full video on my YouTube Channel; Quitting self pity Part1 & Quitting self pity Part 2

I came to the realization that every time I told my story or when I needed help, I always shared my pain with others seeking sympathy and whoever showed even a little sympathy made me feel happy. I thought they understood my struggles, but they never did thus it never solved my issues.

I was a helpless orphan struggling in life who needed so much to get through life but there were things that I could do that did not matter whether I was an orphan or not. I pitied myself to the point that I lost purpose in life, instead of looking from within myself I looked for others to help me out and most times people do not care or do not even want to know. Self-pity made me look at myself in a way that some opportunities or things were too great for me, and I did not deserve them. I became comfortable with little or less, I lost my voice and lost the courage to demand or fight for things that I truly deserved. I became so comfortable with the attitude of; “if they give me that’s okay and if they don’t give me, it’s also okay”. I became so familiar with pain and struggle that recognizing something good was difficult.

My victory over self-pity was through having a deliberate mindset change and shift to stop presenting myself as a victim and to allow myself to live to my full potential. I deliberately stopped focusing on what or how bad my past was but focused on what I can do to make my future better. I stopped seeking sympathy and rather worked hard that whatever I received was out of credibility, hard work, or free will from the other party and not tied towards any kind of self-pity manipulation.

Self-Pity cripples your ability to defy the odds and presents you as a beggar because you subconsciously lean on and depend on others to fulfill your needs assuming that because you are an orphan or widow(er) the world will treat you differently. I stopped using being an orphan as an excuse not to progress in life. You can watch the full video on my YouTube Channel; Quitting self pity Part1 & Quitting self pity Part 2

keeping my fathers memory alive & Gardening.

My father was not a perfect man , he had his flaws and dealt with things in ways that has left wounds and scars in our lives but despite all. You can watch the video on my YouTube chancel here . I have learnt over the years to embrace and accept him for who he is , as a person I too am flawed. I had struggled so hard trying to suppress the memory of my father and I hated him so much for how he left and all I went through. But as I found healing I saw him just as he was, and accepted him with all that he was. This was all possible during my spiritual journey that I was able to forgive him and it opened my soul and eyes to the beautiful side of my dad. When I started talking about him I felt better , and when I do a few things we used to do together I feel so at peace and connected to him. I still brush my teeth like him, which I laugh about every single morning as I brush my teeth. Keeping the memory of my father alive has greatly helped me heal, it has also helped me discover some areas of my life that I didn’t know actually are wounded and needs healing. I believe that someone truly dies when you forget them, I keep my fathers memory alive so that our generations get to know who he is , learn from him, celebrate his life and carry on his legacy. You can watch the video on my YouTube chancel here .

Gardening also greatly helped cope with grief, I hadn’t realized it but it was something I deeply loved doing. Whenever I was overwhelmed I went gardening and somehow it just made me feel better. gardening was something my maternal grandparents introduced me to and I am so thankful . You can get Apartment Balcony Gardening Inspiration on my YouTube Channel here. Gardening is now a part of who I am, it doesn’t matter where I am, I garden.

Identifying my triggers

Identifying my triggers greatly helped me cope with grief and heal. There was a song that whenever I listened to , it filled me with so much grief and sorrow. I could even be minding my own business and happy but the moment I heard that song everything flips to grief. During my healing journey, I started paying attention to my behavioral patterns and I started questioning why did this particular song have so much power over me, then I recalled this song was a song they commonly played in a local radio station when I was a child and it was one of my lowest moments when my dad had just passed on and life was so difficult. When I became away of the triggers I had then I was able to device means to deal with them.

Forgiveness and Taking responsibility for my choices

During my spiritual journey I was able to learn how to forgive myself , forgive my father , forgive all those who had hurt me along the path of life and also seek forgiveness and make amends with those I had also hurt along the path of life. You can watch the full video on my YouTube channel here. I struggled so much to let go of unforgiveness, but when I finally did, I realized that some people who hurt me were also hurting and were taking their frustrations on me who was a victim too and others were acting on information and orders given to them. I understand if you are in a place that you have vowed not to forgive, I was in that place too, and just like you I had many reasons not to forgive, but forgiveness sets you free. Forgiveness is a choice, a decision you make to free yourself, to help you be a better version of your true self. It may or might not be your fault that you were taken advantage of in any way

The pain is deep, the hurt is deep, sometimes it is hard to walk away from. And time and time again there will be triggers to remind you, but the best way to heal is to forgive yourself and those who preyed on you either by their actions or words.

Forgiveness set me free, that when I meet those who hurt me, I am not affected by their presence, that I am not a slave to resentment, hatred , comparison or trying to prove anything to anyone , that I stand tall in my lane , the path I curved for myself for me not defined by anyone.

You can watch My whole Overcoming grief Playlist on YouTube Here

Thank you for reading my story. I hope it encourages you and gives you the Hope to never give up.

Author : Ajal Mary Theodorah

Other Topics on this Website

How to support a loved one through Grief

How to Cope with Grief

How to Help Children Navigate Grief