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The things that helped me Cope with grief of death of my father
Here I share from my personal experience 12 things that helped me cope with the grief. I hope one or two of them can help you in your grief journey. On my YouTube channel you can watch How to cope with raw grief!, My grief story , The three things to ease grief and how gardening, writing and sharing memories of a loved one can aid healing.
1: Informal Support System
An informal grief support system is everything else done by friends, well-wishers, and relatives to help or support someone grieving to walk through grief and find healing.
Its important to embrace help offered by those around us. Sometimes you may be deep in grief and reject the help that you need most or you feel you don’t need it.
Recognizing you need help and accepting it when it comes, even when its not as you hoped, is one step towards healing.
Sometimes you may have to seek out the informal support system. For instance joining a grief support community or talking to others who are grieving to share experiences and learn from each other.
You can watch the Video on how informal support systems helped me on my YouTube Channel Here!
2: Writing/Journaling
Writing was one of the first things that came to me at the age of 8. Writing was something I accidently bumped on. You can watch the full video on my YouTube Channel Here . One day I came across my mothers diary and I read how she had written out her plans and experiences among others and that triggered in me the desire to start writing just like my mother. I requested her to buy me a book and pen. Which she did and that marked the start of my writing journey. All the things I wanted to tell my dad I wrote them down and it felt like he was listening.
Writing or journaling helps you express your self and the emotions that you have locked it. It gives you a safe space to pour out your heart without being judged. Writing helps you open up and express your self in writing if you are not yet ready to talk about what you are going through or if you are not in a safe space to share. You can watch the video on my YouTube Channel Here !
3: Gardening
Gardening also greatly helped cope with grief, it took me a while to realize that gardening was something I deeply loved doing. Whenever I was overwhelmed I went gardening and somehow it just made me feel better. Gardening was something my maternal grandparents introduced me to and I am so thankful . You can get Apartment Balcony Gardening Inspiration on my YouTube Channel here. Gardening is now a part of who I am, it doesn’t matter where I am, I garden. Gardening takes you closer to nature , it is relaxing, calming and with-it comes a sense of peace.
4: Adopting A Pet
In my life time I have had a number of pets, a cat, a dog, doves & fish. Its hard to explain but having the different pets in my life over time helped me through grief and other difficult moments in my life. The pets gave me new sense of responsibility and purpose. Having the pets encouraged me to eat when I didn’t feel like, to get out of bed when I had slept for hours. When I was sad they knew, my cat Primrose always lay at my feet when she noticed I was sad. she would sometimes come lay besides me . My fish , whenever I talked about my troubles ,I noticed it would stop swimming and come towards the glass side where I was, and it stayed there for as long as I was there. which made me know it listened to me. How great it is to have a listening ear when you are at cross roads or in your darkest hour. My fish and all other pets gave me a listening ear and never judged me but offered me friendship , comfort and a safe space to pour out my heart.
You could give it a try and see how life becomes for you with a pet.
5: Open Communication in family or with loved ones
After the death of a loved one in the family , there can be certain tensions that may arise. a once loving family just goes silent and grows apart because everyone is dealing with grief in their own way. But I do encourage you, if you have a family , share your feelings, experiences and fears. let grief bring your family together and tear it apart. Nourish the relationships you still have like your children, siblings or spouse. Lean on each other for support. With the passing of my father, our family grow far apart because there was no open and clear communication but only assumptions reigned. Create an avenue for you as family to talk and also address certain issues and not feel like issues will sort themselves out. Nothing will sort it self out , something else will come up, worse than what needed to be dealt with. Take to each other, if you go silent on each other , resentment will take root.
6: Celebrating the Life of your Loved one
Celebrating the life of your loved one keeps their memory alive. It makes them forever part of the family. Someone only dies when you forget them. it can be as simple as making them part of your day today life. for instance still brush my teeth just like how my dad did. Every morning I think about him . As I brush my teeth I cant help but smile. You can decide to take about your loved one to the children in the family or celebrate their birthday or death anniversary . These little actions have such a huge impact in our lives. They bring us so much joy and healing. I discovered that doing something special.
7: Visiting the Gravesite /planting flowers/taking flowers
Healing or coping with grief is not a straightforward thing. Some things, like visiting the gravesite of a loved one, taking them flowers, may not make sense to those around you. But it makes sense when you do. I was not able to visit my dad’s gravesite because of certain complications. but when my maternal grandparents passed on, I was able to take care of their grave site, and there is just unspoken peace, calm healing and connection that come with it.
Doing these small actions like visiting the gravesite of a loved one when you are overwhelmed , or just routine visit brings so much healing and comfort. it makes you feel closer to them.
You could try and see how it goes for you.
8: Reading
I started reading while I was very young, and at about 10 years I was a member of the public library in my home town. Reading fairy tales, African folk tales, and poetry, among others, proved to me that there’s a beautiful world outside. I just needed to find it. This gave me zeal as a young child to hope for a better future despite my current situation. This hope grew in me, which propelled me to always seek to make my life better and know that I will have a beautiful life. The books I read as a child motivated and inspired me the most up to date. Also, during my spiritual journey, I read a lot, which built my faith and gave me answers that I sought.
Reading is provides, inspiration, enlightenment, guidance & hope in grief.
9: Singing/Dancing/Poetry
Singing and poetry also helped me express my self to say the things i wanted to say the in the way I wanted to say them. Sometimes it never made sense to those who heard it but to me it did. I sung in the school choir while I was little and as an adult I sung in the church choir. Singing relaxes me and takes my mind off anything. If you can sing, dance or do poetry these greatly relaxes you , takes off stress and help keep your mind of the troubles of grief.
10: Taking a Spiritual Awakening Journey
Taking a spiritual journey was a life defining journey for me. I was in a place of loneliness, I felt empty , lost, depressed, and I was physically sick with what couldn’t be diagnosed.
I was in a dark place, mentally, physically, emotionally and in all ways. I embarked on the spiritual journey to understand my faith as a catholic and what it meant to be a Christian. Along the way, I found my identity that grief had robbed me, I got healing from the bodily pains I had, and I found a peace I had never had before. Before the spiritual journey, I had insomnia, resentment, anger issues and many other problems.
Taking the spiritual journey offered me meaning to life, answers, comfort and healing in a way that words just can not describe.
You can watch my spiritual journey Episodes on my YouTube Channel: Seeking God for Healing, Help of angels, Silencing the loud voices in my head. You can also watch my whole Overcoming Grief Playlist on YouTube here!
11: Seek counselling /Therapy
Seeking therapy is important to help you find better ways to cope with grief. It will also help you know how to best address or handle certain situations in your life.
Look for professional therapists , counsellors or psychologists who will offer you professional help. Be careful not to end up with people who will air your problems to the public making you feel worse than before.
Seek therapy, it makes the grief journey less lonely.
12: Drawing/Painting/Doodling
I don’t know how to paint or draw, but doodling is all I can do. Doodling greatly helped me in my grief journey. Doodling was something I did when I felt anxious. It just had a way of refocusing my emotions and thoughts on the picture. It had an effect that I can only describe as;
“it made my mind feel blank peaceful”.
If you are gifted with painting or drawing, you can paint or draw. If you are like me, try doodling. These activities help you express your emotions, which improves your emotional well-being.
Author: Ajal Mary Theodorah
Through The Tunnel Of Grief 