Helping Children process Grief

Here I share some insights based on my experience what I think can be helpful tips for parents, guardians or well wishers to help children process grief.

1: Open & Clear communication

Talk to your children and explain to them what has happened in the simplest ways, encourage them to share their feelings, if you don’t talk to your children , strangers or neighbor will.

As a little girl back in the day, relatives and some friends of the family come to me with all different kinds of information regarding my fathers life, his death , my mother and even me as a child. Most of the information was negative and some of the people were so bold because they hated my mother and saw me as the easiest link to hurt her by trying to turn me against my mother.

As a child it was overwhelming to have to deal with the information I was receiving from other sources that I did not know how to ask my mother about it. But I want to say that my mothers consistency in her kindness and love towards us and also I just loved my mother and I trusted her. That’s what helped me through.

So as a parent or guardian talk to your child, you don’t know the invisible voices fueling the resent your children have against you.

2: Be present in their lives

This provides a sense of security to the children. Explain to the children if you have to go somewhere for work for a while . The may have a feeling and fear that they will lose you too, that you too will die especially if they cant see you and are left in the dark without understanding why you are not around.

My mother as young widow with no help and 3 children under 10, she was forced to work and leave us with my maternal grandparents. In those moments I was afraid and anxiously waited for my mothers return .

Whenever possible talk to the children and explain to them your whereabouts, its not to restrict you or take away your freedom as a parent, but it helps for the emotional, mental and general wellbeing of the children.

3: Share memories of the loved one

As a parent or Guardian I encourage you to make it part of you and the family to share memories about the deceased loved one. It is only through sharing memories or telling stories or doing some of the things you used to do together with the deceased that the child can truly get to know the deceased better but also know that the deceased is part of the family.

When we don’t share more about the life of the deceased with the children how will they know more . My Father passed on when I was about 8years old, there are things I remember about my father but there are things I learnt about my father that were so beautiful and amazing from my mother, and relatives. Things that I didn’t know, and some are so enlightening that it makes me connected to my dad. I discovered from the stories I was being told that I had some of my fathers traits in me .

So share memories of the deceased loved ones , it also builds the Childs identity and it makes them comforted on days like Fathers day or mothers day . When children share about their Fathers or mothers, the child too has something to say or ponder about who their deceased loved one is.

Read more about Healing power of sharing memories →

4: Engage the child in actively coping actives

Looking back , I believe engaging in some activities like writing , gardening, doodling, music, dance and drama, reading, among others consciously or unconsciously helped me cope with grief. These activities helped me find happiness , purpose amidst my pain and grief.

Back in the day, we couldn’t afford therapy and there was no awareness on possibilities of taking children to therapy or that children also grieve. I wrote as a way of expressing my emotions when I never had someone to share with or I was not in a safe place to share my feelings.

Gardening just had a special way of calming me down, doodling was something I did when I felt anxious and it just had a way of refocusing my emotions and thoughts to the picture and it had an effect that I can only describe as it made my mind feel blank peaceful.

That there are no random thoughts flying by. I encourage parents and guardians to encourage or introduce these activities to children or also pay attention on what the child likes doing and support them in that area. Just one activity could be the activity that saves your child from depression and other grief related challenges.

5: Get a pet for the child

In my life time, I have had a number of pets, a cat, a dog, doves, fish among others.

I could say growing up for some reason I just felt uniquely connected to animals. Its hard to explain but, having the different pets in my life over time helped me through grief and other difficult moments in my life.

The pets gave me new sense of responsibility and purpose. Having the pets encouraged me to eat when I didn’t feel like, to get out of bed when I had slept for hours. When I was sad they knew, my cat Primrose always lay at my feet when she noticed I was sad. She would sometimes come lay besides me .

My fish , whenever I talked about my troubles ,I noticed it would stop swimming and come towards the glass side where I was, and it stayed there for as long as I was there. Which made me know it listened to me. How great it is to have a listening ear when you are at cross roads or in your darkest hour.

My fish and all other pets gave me a listening ear and never judged me but offered me friendship , comfort and a safe space to pour out my heart.

I encourage parents or guardians to get the child a pet that can be a friend, a listening ear and safe space for them. Especially at moments when you are not around them or they are just not yet ready to share their feelings and emotions with you yet.

The pet teaches them trust, gives them a sense of purpose since they will start taking care of the pet. It is also important to note that getting the child the right pet matters, you could ask them for what pet they would like or you could try a couple of them until you find one that bonds with the child.

I would like to say that my pets just found me. The cat, I adopted her, I found her as a kitten wondering about, the fish I was gifted, the doves I rescued them, they had fallen off the nest.

6: Starting New Relationships

If you as a parent or guardian desire to start a new relation it may be little overwhelming for the children. It is a great thing that you have found someone you continue your life journey but its important to take certain considerations. Prepare the children by talking to them about your intentions to start a new relationship and share views.

Prepare them and explain things before it gets out of hand crushing you, your relationship and children. You may start a relationship in private or in whichever way but the children are still grieving so they may not take your relationship well. They may think you are replacing their deceased loved one, or you don’t love their deceased loved one anymore or that you just don’t care.

They may think how can you be getting into a new relationship and be happy when they are still sad. so its important you talk to the children and be sincere with them. This will help the children respect your relationship and partner as opposed to resenting both you and your partner.

This is different for every family or child, some children may warm up easily to the new partner while others will take awhile and others wont. But if things are handled with transparency and clear communication, step by step it will not only make your relationship enjoyable but also shapes the kind of relationship the children will have in future.

In my story, my mother never remarried and I never thought about it until one day, a friend that we studied in the same primary school came all excited. She kept saying you are going to have a new dad, you are going to get a new dad.

I was still in shock because this I never expected. Still in shock, she dragged me to a near by restaurant where my mother and her colleagues were having an outing, we hid in the shadows to see what was going on. I recognized all the people who were eating with my mum, they were my mothers lady friends who had supported us since my fathers passing except for some gentlemen though they even never sat next to my mum.

I went back home with questions and fears, wondering what would life be like. That evening my mum came back with the fish head which was something she bought for us on birthdays or when she got her salary. I told her about what had happened, and she explained everything. She told me she would not do anything without letting us know and that she had just been taken out to eat as her friends always do. She also added that we, her children, are the most important people in her life.

So as a parent of guardian how you navigate your relationship matters, you may be hiding it but you never know how the children will find out . Some children find out and never talk. I was quick to ask but others wont but will resent you instead and complicate their healing journey. This is not to restrict you from getting into a relationship but to offer you insights on things that may happen so that you best prepare.

Author: Ajal Mary Theodorah