How Poor Communication Creates Lasting Pain

Reflecting on my grief journey, I realise how much pain could have been avoided if there had been open, honest, and compassionate communication. The absence of proper communication created unnecessary trauma, resentment, misconceptions, and even public shame, wounds that have taken me years to process.

One of the most painful memories is from my father’s funeral. What should have been a moment to honor his life turned into a scene of humiliation for my mother. In front of thousands of mourners, a respected elder publicly rejected her. They could not even wait until the funeral ended or handle the matter privately as a family. Watching my mother be disgraced in a home she had built and nurtured alongside my father was deeply wounding. That day, part of my identity as his child was shaken. Since my mother was rejected, I too felt rejected. I began a lifelong struggle of trying to belong, trying to prove my worth, trying to earn a place in my own father’s legacy.

The truth is, my father had two known wives, two families who deserved dignity. If there had been open communication between both families and the elders, much of the trauma we endured could have been avoided. My father himself did not leave his household in order, but the elders also failed in their duty to mediate with wisdom and fairness.

I’ve learned that poor communication in moments of grief only magnifies the pain. Whether in polygamous families or smaller households, when communication breaks down, resentment grows. Silence breeds assumptions, and assumptions breed conflict.

This is why I now encourage families, especially parents, grandparents, and elders, to create safe channels for open and transparent communication. Such spaces help prevent public disgrace, unnecessary conflicts, and deep generational wounds.

Communication is especially critical before and after a funeral. It ensures that everyone feels informed, valued, and respected. Some practical ways to foster healthy communication include:

• Family Meetings: Allow space for members to ask questions, share their opinions, and seek clarity.
• Neutral Mediators: Invite a trusted lawyer, religious leader, or unbiased elder to guide sensitive discussions.
• Transparency: Be clear about funeral arrangements, reading of wills, therapy support, and long-term family plans.

Most importantly, when speaking with one another, remember that grief already hurts deeply. Hurting others does not lessen your pain; it only turns you bitter. This world is passing; today, you may hold the upper hand, but tomorrow, life could humble you. Treat each other with kindness, extend grace, and resist the temptation to see one another as enemies.

The public rejection of my mother was one of the most damaging experiences of my life, but it also taught me the value of communication. I share my story not to stir bitterness, but to encourage healing. If we choose to communicate with honesty, dignity, and compassion, we can ease some of the pain of grief instead of compounding it.

Thank you for reading my story. I would love to hear from you. How has communication (or the lack of it) shaped your grief journey?

Author: Ajal Mary Theodorah, Through The Tunnel of Grief

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