Healing the Wounds of Fatherlessness from Divorce, Separation or Death

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Healing the Wounds of Fatherlessness from Divorce, Separation or Death

Here I share insights from my experience on how I am walked and still walk through the journey of healing the wounds of grief from the separation of my parents and death of my Father. You can read my story as a child of divorce here! and you can watch the full video of my story and the insights for healing on my YouTube Channel Here!

1: Support of others

Navigating the grief and wounds of life without a father or mother is a journey that requires partnership. You cannot go through it alone, you need a friend, a mentor, community, and an understanding spouse or partner, who will help you heal and be patient with you. My grandparents, mother, well wishers along the path of life and my Husband have played a great role in helping me heal at different stages of my life because every stage in life opens or reveals new wounds. You can watch the full video in my YouTube channel here.

2: Finding your identity and who you are

Find who you are outside, beyond and around your father. Who are you as a person when they remove your Father from the picture?

 What are the things that define as a person, when someone sees you , what do you reflect, when you speak what comes out of your mouth does it reflect you? What are the things you find yourself doing time and time again even when a part of you tells you, you shouldn’t be doing?

What are the things that trigger you, and how do you respond to them, have you taken a keen interest in finding out why you behave in a certain way when triggered?

What are the things you are interested in, have you paid attention to why you are inclined to them, could it be a coping mechanism to nab a deeper pain or wound that needs healing?

Identify all the things that trigger you and be more aware to discover who you are as a person, what situations make you feel a certain way and device means that best help you to overcome them. I found my identity through my spiritual reawakening journey, seeking God to see myself through His lens. You can watch the full video in my YouTube channel here.

3: Humble yourself to Learn and unlearn.

The healing process is continuous and so many things will keep showing up. New situations will reveal a new part of you that you never knew existed. At the onset of my relationship with my husband, I was so clingy and I wanted to be around him all the time. Whenever he was away or travelling somewhere I was filled with anxiety and overwhelming fear of losing them. My clinginess in the past was not healthy it was from a place of fear and not love to be around my husband.

Sometimes its unconscious , you don’t even know how you just want to your spouse to be around you, when they are around you are at peace when they are travelling or going somewhere your mood changes, you are filled with anxiety , you wonder what they are doing where they are, will they be safe etc. This is not to say that you shouldn’t worry or care about your partner but you should be in a place where you recognize the healthy way of missing your spouse because they are traveling and not filled with panic and all the negative emotions that may flow.

These kind of emotions are a sign that you are still struggling with separation anxiety from when you were a child  for instance your dad travelled for months or weeks and stayed away from home you barely saw him or as a result of the divorce. So you developed a copying mechanism to guard your heart, as an independent woman or man who doesn’t care and for the clingy man or woman who always cried and wondered when dad would come back or when he left.

For the sons who have grown up without a father a more likely to also either be cling or independent as women and sometimes it’s challenging when a clingy man meets an independent woman, there is a lot of chaos in the home. And for men raised without a father, they have a higher chance of being cheated on by their spouse or some can be very they can be very abusive. This is also just a copying or survival mechanism

And there’s a unique category that are both independent and clingy depending on the partner they have at a given time depending on the behavior or personality of the partner. What helped me was being so deliberate and aware of who I am as a person to study my behavioral patterns but most importantly when I leaned on God to guide me and to always reveal to me when things are not as they are meant to be.

All in all, It takes humility and a lot of courage to look at yourself and the many things that are going through your life or the way you approach situations, to let go of what you know and learn the new way of doing things .  To ask yourself but why am I behaving the way I am and then seeking help  to learn and un learn . Learning comes with seeking knowledge , understanding  and application of the knowledge you have acquired. The unlearning comes with patience, persistence and never giving up. You can watch the full video in my YouTube channel here.

4: Breaking patterns and cycles

This involves identifying, checking and tracking your behavior patterns and other patterns in your life. It also involves paying attention to some of the patterns or occurrences happening in your close family , like siblings , or parents . What is their lifestyle or what are the things common in all your relationships for example or how respond to situations among others. This will help you better handle some of the things you are struggling with. You will be surprised how you have a lot of both healthy and unhealthy habits in common. Which you can then reflect on but why is this like this and how can I make my story different and better and not just as my parents story was if it is something that is bad . It is very common according to research, that some woman who were teen mothers are most likely to have daughters who are teen mothers too or people raised by single parents are most likely to end up as single parents themselves. Not all of them but some of them or children who were rejected are more likely to reject their children at one point in life if they don’t take the healing journey to heal the wounds. Sometimes you don’t even plan on doing these things it just somehow seems like a bad omen following you. This is purely because you continued with the cycle or pattern. Therefore it is very critical to look and deal with some of the patterns or cycles that are reoccurring in your family or lineage so that it doesn’t continue to your children. You can watch the full video in my YouTube channel here.

5:  Forgiveness

Forgiving yourself and forgiving others and seeking to make amends with those you hurt if possible. You might have been treated unfairly by your stepfamily or people around you but don’t lose hurt you can curve your path in a beautiful way. The unfortunate things that happen to you when you approach them well, from a place of healing , they become a huge blessing in your life. They become a source of inspiration and motivation redirecting your life for greater heights. But you must put in the work for healing to be faithful, truthful, diligent and most importantly forgiving. You can watch the full video in my YouTube channel here.

6: Viewing your life as a gift and Blessing

Appreciating that the life you have is not random , it is not random that you are alive now, Your life is a blessing and in you there’s a special grace that only you have and in your life many destinies are connected to that only you have the power to unlock that God has given you. You are special, you are unique, you are a blessing. But you too must recognize it, and also understand that it is you called to stop certain things from continuing, that it is you meant to pave a great future for at least you, your children (if you have or desire ) and many people out there that you have no idea. So you must not give up, we are counting on you , we are waiting on the true you , to raise up that we too can raise up.

When you give you life Value in God , it changes so much how you approach life and it determines what or how you do things . It doesn’t mean you cant do what you want but you choose to do what has long term benefits than a short term gain. You can watch the full video in my YouTube channel here. My life took a beautiful turn when started viewing my life as a blessing , that my life is valuable and I am not random or alive by chance. This changed my life from just going through each day in cycles and repeat to being intentional about how each day comes, to valuing each sunrise and sunset as a blessing and opportunity.

7: what are your motivations

It is important to understand what your motivations towards life is in all aspects. Before I took the healing journey, I worked hard, I was good at what I did but I had the wrong motivations that left my life empty, dark, and lonely. I worked hard to prove to those who hurt me that I made it in life. During my healing journey, I found true purpose and enjoyment in whatever I did guided and rooted in God. That when I work, I do it with love , and in everything I do is to glorify God, to reflect God in the way He has created and sent me forth to reflect Him. It is no longer about who I must or have to prove right or wrong, it is all about God who gives me strength and sustains me in the stormy moments in life or when I am just out of strength or motivation, He supplies it all. But if you have the wrong motivations, you will end up sick, uncontended, bitter, and no joy in whatever you do. You can watch the full video in my YouTube channel here.

8: Rebuilding trust

To be sincere, I had great trust issues and compromised a lot on my part in character and other things. In the past I struggled with separation or abandonment issues. That made me try to figure out how to keep certain people in my life when in truth they were meant to go and never be part of my life. Because I was afraid of staying alone or losing those in my life , I did more than was necessary to please them so that they never left but some left in the end and left me crushed. And along the way when I suspected something I left or stopped a relationship without clear reasons.

In the process, I hurt innocent people and I also got hurt. To rebuild my trust and started to learn how to trust was something I learned from God, in prayer and how He journeyed with me. It was during my spiritual and faith journey that my eyes opened up that I had trust issues which I thought I was okay. Jesus Christ was so kind to me that he taught me how to trust , trust him in day to day life and that slowly extended to trusting people to.

This also taught me to be patient with decisions I make, that I pray about a decision for Gods guidance before I embark on anything. There was a time in life that I was done and tired of letting people in my life , and there was someone who wanted to be friends with me , like close friend and in my heart I had closed and said I am done. I went to Jesus in prayer and told him about it and I took my time and later I became friends with this person and it is one of the best friendships that I have had. They helped me heal, their presence in my life revealed so many wounds in my life that needed healing, awakened so many passions that I had long given up and so that’s how I started trusting again. Before anything else I consult with LORD sometimes directly or through my Guardian angel , archangel Michael , the Holy spirit depending on how I am convicted at the moment. You can watch the full video in my YouTube channel here.

9: Building a new tribe

It is important to evaluate the kind of people you surround yourself with because some of them are the reasons yo are stuck in certain habits or cycles because they are ill advising you or they are not helping you at all. I cut off certain friendships I had or people who had a bad influence in my life and started building new relationships that shared the same vision or had the same values and vision as I did. It might be difficult but it is necessary, some will hate on you for making the right decisions for your life , accept that but choose what is best for your life and lineage moving forward.

Touch pitch and you blacken your hand, be on your guard and take care,  every living thing loves its kind and we all  love someone like ourselves. Every living being keeps close to its own kind. 

You can watch the full video in my YouTube channel here.

10: Quitting self-pity

Self-pity had become a part of me, that every time I told my story to someone I wanted them to sympathize with me so that they would help me in one way or the other. Was I in need of help yes, I needed help more than I could even share but there was some sort of hidden deceit in it that slowly started progressing into manipulations . That you know that if you spoke to this person this way they will help you or feel sorry for you.

Self pity is dangerous it cripples you and transforms you into a beggar that you become dependent on others for even the things that you can do. At some point it also lowers your self esteem , confidence and self worth, instead of aiming for the stars you are picking stones on the ground.

I dealt with self pity when I lost a great job opportunity that I deserved in all forms but for unknow reasons I never got it. And I didn’t have the confidence to ask what happened, this job opportunity that I missed almost took my life. I was so distressed , betrayed but one day during one of those days I got a great wake up call. I made a decision that I will work hard for what I deserve and never look for sympathy. I wont ever think that being an orphan is an advantage or use my life situation to motivate help , no. That occurrence also taught me something , in prayer that’s when I Learnt that there are some wrong doings that happen to you and become a blessing, that a missed job opportunity is actually saving you from something that would destroy you and God is preparing you for something greater.

Shortly after that I got a bigger and better opportunity that I am grateful I never got the other job. You can watch the full video in my YouTube channel here.

11: Being intentional about Seeking to Know God and being rooted in Him.

I had been Christian all my life but my faith was tested when things were not adding up in my life, that when someone said Jesus loves you, I wanted to jump on their throat and strangle them or beat them up to a pulp. Because what I was going through did not reflect Jesus’ love or Him being with me. I visited so many men of God and priests for healing for help and guidance on how to go through life. I was experiencing loud voices or let me put it this way I was hearing voices of beings speaking in different voices or accents and sometimes so loud in my head that I did not what to do. I sought help for both healing of the body and the voices at different times and for some reason I never got the help I needed.

And the way Jesus revealed Himself to me was in away that I can not explain , you remember that walk to Emmaus when the disciples walked with Jesus and never recognized him. That was me with Jesus . Jesus revealed himself to me as the crucified Christ , a friend who understood my pain and who was going through the same. It’s a long story how I even got to know Jesus, You can watch the full video in my YouTube channel here.

Seeking to Know God was not a very clear and direct path for me because of the kind of burdens that I had in me that needed healing and unpacking each level so that I would truly understand and also believe.

Seeking to know God healed me in the way that I even didn’t know I was healed except after sometime I just realized I had no more chest pain or pains .But for what I remember more clearly was for the voices I was hearing that cleared off when I started reading the Bible and got to know the power and authority in the scriptures in the Holy Bible and the power the Lord has placed in me. Whenever the voices came I would recite the first commandment. It actually started in a very uniquely yet simple way. One time the voice had showed up and I heard a clear voice tell me Word of God, I never understood what it meant , but I kept saying word of God and it worked until the LORD led me to the greatest commandment as told by Jesus Christ Mark 12: 30.

 "Thou shall Love the Lord Your God, with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength". 

What I am trying to say is , our Journey with God , Jesus Christ the Holy spirit or partnerships with the Holy angels is different for everyone, and no one will ever understand why I choose pray the way I pray or do things the way I do. Because some may not even be found in scripture or make sense to others but to me it makes sense and it saw me through my darkest moments. I got out of my darkest moments alone with God , at my lowest I was with no one but God and I learnt a lot will there.

Just make an effort to seek to know God and have a relationship with Him and Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit, if you have consulted prophets, pastors or priests for healing and nothing has happened, I understand you I have been there but what helped me was seeking to know God, reading the bible , making time to pray, attending retreats . You can watch the full video in my YouTube channel Seeking God for Healing , Angels Helping Us to Draw close to God & Silencing the Loud negative voices in my head and mind.

12: Go for therapy to better understand your situation so that you are more aware of yourself and better deal with certain situations in your life. To be sincere, I never had the opportunity to go to therapy because I couldn’t afford and didn’t have the access to it. When a free opportunity came , my situation was not handled well that left me worse than before. But over the years I have reflected that perhaps if I had gone to therapy in a safe and professional place I would have healed faster. You can watch the full video in my YouTube channel here.

Thank you for Reading , Cheers to Healing and getting the best from Life and offering the best we can.

Author : Ajal Mary Theodorah