Helping children cope with divorce & Separation

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My parents separated when I was about 6 years old, as a child I had so many questions but who do you ask!  For the few weeks following my parent’s separation life completely flipped, my mother was then living with my maternal grandparents while my siblings and I lived with my father and stepsiblings.  How  I can describe the first day of my parents’ separation, it felt like something was missing immediately. It felt like, a special warmth, security and sense of stability that covered me was lifted and all of a sudden, I felt scared and exposed. You can watch the video from my YouTube Channel Here

The next days that followed I have no recollection because I was just lost. One day, my mother sent a friend of hers who came to the newly opened kindergarten that we had started going to. It was during breaktime when my mothers friend came near the school. She beckoned at me with her hand and I run towards her and my sister who was carrying my baby brother joined us. My mothers friend then said my mum had sent her to come for us. And that’s how we were stolen or kidnapped to our mother and started life at my maternal grandparents’ place.

While at my maternal grandparents home, everything was new and even then, I still had questions I just didn’t know how life became so unstable.

After a while, my dad and some elders came to my grand parents home and I remember it was a meeting of only adults and it was difficult to know what they were discussing . After every meeting, I asked my mum if it was the day we went back home. But after several meetings and hoping I started getting sad because nothing yielded.

After a while, we ended up in Mbale High court.

“I remember the judge asking me who I wanted to live with. It was such a disturbing question. No child should have to bear the burden and confusion of such a question. I wondered why I had to choose between my parents, I loved them both”.

I had stayed away from my dad for a long time and I missed my dad. So, I chose my dad because I missed him, and our home was more comfortable, peaceful, and life was great there. We were by then living at my grandparents’ place, life was hard there. The Judge that day ruled that my mother would have custody of the children and when we become adults , we shall decide for ourselves.

I remember that being one of my saddest days, my dad never smiled at me at all, he just turned his back and went on. I was just wondering what is this, is this the same man I knew who loved me and now it’s hard to describe what it was.

As a child, I never understood what happened from one point having your parents living together and being showered with all the love to a moment of loneliness, fear, and uncertainty with questions you don’t know where and how to get answers.

I share a bit of my story so that parents can help their children cope and deal with separation and divorce. No one ever hopes their marriage or relationship will break.

As a parent who might be going through a difficult moment of separation of divorce or custody issues, it is a tough moment I can tell because I saw the sadness and pain in my mother’s face even as she is such a jolly and happy person.

I share these insights from my personal experiences as a child who experienced her parents separate so it can help parents better support their children. Below are some of the suggestions; You can watch the video from my YouTube Channel Here

1: Explain to your child or children the situation

Explain to your child in the simplest way what has happened in the event that the separation is abrupt like it did for my parents or if you are taking a process to transition your children to the realities of the separation or divorce. As parents sit with your child or children and explain the situation at hand to give them answers to the questions they might have. Also, give them an audience to ask questions and be patient to listen to them, the questions may be uncomfortable but prepare to answer them the best way you can. Be sincere, and if you don’t have an answer, let them know that you don’t have the answer yet but whenever possible you will. You can watch the video from my YouTube Channel Here

2:Discuss custody issues diplomatically with each other (as partners)

Custody issues are bloody and even more traumatic for the children if not handled well.

In my case, we were “Kidnapped” in quotes and taken to my mum and onetime when my dad came for a meeting and he took my sister. When I came back from school and found my sister missing, I cried deeply, I felt like our family has been torn apart. I felt like just as my parents separated now my sister was far away maybe our entire family will be broken further.

For some children, they might have experienced worse. Kidnapped several times taken to totally new locations, changed their names and given a whole new identity. Parents don’t understand what that does to their children. It breaks the sibling bonds for the children, it makes the children have trust issues, anxiety, attachment or detachment issues among others.

I understand that you and your partner may have really difficult grounds of separation but for the future of the children consider them too.

Find a way of agreeing on where the children will stay and with whom and when can the children visit the other partner. If it is impossible to agree, get someone to mediate so that it doesn’t end up in court as it did for me. It was such a horrible and heartbreaking experience, I have never forgotten the image of my father walking away without a smile or goodbye, I guess he was pained in his own way but I was pained too. You can watch the video from my YouTube Channel Here

3: Maintain your spouse’s positive attributes.

 Stop damaging the reputation of your partner in the minds of your children.

My mother is such a wonderful woman, not even one time did she speak ill of my father to me or my siblings. Some things I discovered on my own. Many parents whether mums or dads will taint such a bad image of their partner to the children which causes children to not only hate their “bad parent” in quotes but also extend the hate to other people of the same gender as that parent and in the end, it leads to abuse in the relationships that the children in future end up in.

Know what and how you speak to your children about your partner, even if the relationship has ended, however rude or bad your partner was, they remain that child’s parent. For some children, their identity is distorted because of such.

I appreciate the fact that my mother never talked bad about my father to me because I feel it would have complicated my grief journey further. This helped me find a balance to forgive and love a father who is not perfect, to love him with all the imperfections and acknowledge that he is my father despite and inspite all. This greatly helped me in my healing journey. I believe you can find a way of sharing the truth without destroying the image of the other parent. This doesn’t justify whatever wrongs they did but it helps for your healing as a parent too. It fosters positivity that the pains and hurt you had to endure is not transferred to the children in the form of bitterness, and reduces the risks of you becoming an abusive parent to your children. You can watch the video from my YouTube Channel Here

4: Work on your healing journey

If as a parent, you don’t intentionally work on your healing journey, you will become a bitter parent, and this will affect how you interact or relate with your children. It is a difficult moment, you might have given so much into the marriage or relationship that you are so broken but it is never too late to start-over. Work on your healing, go to therapy, start journaling, engage in activities that will help you actively cope together with the children, maybe gardening, painting, cooking, camping, traveling, or something that you can do together to help you all heal.

Let your children be part of your healing journey, you will be surprised how fast and better your all heal and you have an amazing healthy relationship. Not one out of pain but one that understands the pain but embraces beauty , harmony , growth and victory beyond pain. You can watch the video from my YouTube Channel Here

5: Create new memories with the children.

The previous life may have been beautiful or something traumatizing or however you might describe it, but now work on building new memories together. The past life is no more let it be a point of motivation to be better in all aspects of life. Make the children understand that the divorce doesn’t mean life has ended. The divorce is a chapter in life that you perhaps never willed for it, but you can still make the best out of life That together you can make a beautiful chapter of life even better. The best way to make new memories is taking on the healing journey together as you figure life together as a family. You can watch the video from my YouTube Channel Here!

6: Create a safe space for communication

Always create room to communicate and encourage the children to share their feelings without judgment, be more of a listener than a talker.

You can make a culture where maybe daily or weekly or whatever timeframe is suitable that you and your children talk to each other and its difficult you can try have family therapy together to help you get on one page with the children.

To encourage the children to open up, you can share your own experiences with them just a bit not to overwhelm them again but to make them understand that you trust them enough to share your own struggles lovingly and honestly with them . This will encourage them to share as well.

Divorce or separation breaks trust for both children and parents. Children may resent you thinking it is your fault. But, slowly rebuild that trust with them, from a place of understanding and not a place of bitterness or anger. The first times will be mechanical not the best but you will get better with time.

Thank you for reading You can watch the video from my YouTube Channel Here! Please share with us how you are coping with Divorce or separation and how you are helping your children cope too

Author: Ajal Mary Theodorah